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Being Assertive:
A Conference for Women on being assertive with their Husbands was held recently.
The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said "During last year's meeting, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well afterwards, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered).
The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, an old lady from the outback, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy bloke, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping). She continued. "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin. But afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye."
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Breast feeding
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor, arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came"
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Logical Science
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. 
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: -I reckon he's an accountant. James: -No way - he's a stockbroker. 
Chris: -He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder... 
Chris: -Excuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? 
Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession! 
Chris: -Oh! What's that then?   Suit:-I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? 
Chris:-Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens! 
Suit: -Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? 
Chris: -It's in a pond! 
Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? 
Chris: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! 
Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house? 
Chris: -As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? 
Chris: -Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children! 
Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? 
Chris:-Yep! Four nights a week! 
Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? 
Chris: -Me? Never 
Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work! 
Chris: -How's that then? 
Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life! 
Chris: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate! 
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate. 
James: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? 
Chris:-Yep! He's a logical scientist! 
James: -What's that then?
Chris: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? 
James: -Nope 
Chris: -Well then, you're a wanker
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The Little Fire Fighter
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station then he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her tom cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the tom cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but I wouldn't have a siren."
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Men
1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?  -  Both of them.
2. Why did the man cross the road?  -  He heard the chicken was a slut.
3. Why don't women blink during foreplay?  -  They don't have time.
4. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?  They don't stop and ask for directions.
5. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?   -  He buys two cases of beer.
6. What is the difference between men and government bonds?  -  The bonds mature.
7. Why are blonde jokes so short?  -  So men can remember them.
8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?   -  We don't know; it has never happened.
9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?  -  They all already have boyfriends.
10.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?  -  A widow.
11.When do you care for a man's company?  -  When he owns it.
12.Why are married women heavier than single women?  -  Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.  Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
13.How do you get a man to do sit-ups?  Put the remote control between his toes.
14.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?  -  They're married.
15.Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God  -  says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

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The Good Mirror - Click
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Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". 
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?" 
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell." 
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." 
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads." 
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Fred the Milkman
It's Fred the milkman's last day on his round. He's a friendly old chap, and has been doing the same round for the last thirty years, so everyone knows him well. When Fred drops off the pint of full cream at number 37, little Sally Johnson comes to the door and gives him a card. She made it herself, and it says "I will miss you Fred lots of love Sally xxxx". A tear comes to Fred's eye, and he hugs little Sally. 
At number 64, when he puts down the two pints of semi skimmed, the door opens. There's Mrs Smith at the door, with her two little kids Joey and Martha. She chats with Fred for a few minutes, then Joey and Martha disappear, returning with a cake. "It's for you, Fred; good luck!" says Mrs Smith. Fred's touched, and can't thank her enough.
When Fred gets to number 78, Lucy Luckworth is at the door, dressed in a sheer nightie. Fred gulps nervously; Lucy smiles seductively, and leads him upstairs, to the time of his life. They have the best sex our Fred has ever experienced.... Afterwards, Lucy heads downstairs. The smell of coffee tempts Fred into the kitchen; there's a coffee on the table, and a pound coin next to it. Fred's puzzled; "Lucy, I can't thank you enough for what you've done for me, but why? And what's the pound coin for?" 
Lucy explains; "Well, I asked my boyfriend Jeff what we should get for you, seeing as it's your last day. He said 'F#&%  him, give him a pound'.....The coffee was my idea." 
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Dracula
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. 
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" 
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts. 
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. 
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the f #&* off our car!"
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Parrots 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.   'What do they say?' the priest inquired.  They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. 'You know', he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two birds over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Carl and Johan. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' 
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have fun?'
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the  f #&*ing beads away, Carl, our prayers have been answered!'
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Brunette?
A brunette goes into a doctor's office.
Brunette: Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me. 
Doctor: Well, tell me your symptoms.
Brunette: Well, everything hurts. When I touch my nose it hurts (touching nose), when I touch my leg it hurts (touching leg). When I touch my arm it hurts (touching arm), it just hurts everywhere!
Doctor (after looking at her for a second): Did you used to be a blonde? 
Brunette: Why yes! 
Doctor: Your finger's broken.
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Why do brides wear white?
A young boy approaches his mother and asks, "Why do women get married in white..?"
Mother replies, "Because they are angelic, virginal creatures and white is the colour of angels."
The boy asks his dad the same question to which the father replies, 
"All kitchen appliances are white, son
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Old Cow
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states "This bull mated 50 times last year." 
The wife turns to her husband and says,"He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." 
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one." 
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow
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Man with bald head and wooden leg 
There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note..... Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate". 
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says.... Dear Sir, Sorry about before, Please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".
Now the man is really annoyed, since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads..... "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your bum and go as a toffee apple, you pr#&*!"
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Randy, The Rooster
A farmer has about 200 hens and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Randy; he'll service every chicken you got, no problem." 
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides to buy Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a peptalk, Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, so, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
The farmer points toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. Wham! He nails every hen and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake, wham! He gets all the geese. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. 
The farmer, saddened by the loss, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down-now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer....."
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Breasts
A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. " Hi is Tony home?" 
" No he went to the store."  the wife says   " Well, do you mind if I wait?"
" No come in." she says.    They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." 
Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. 
He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. 
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table, then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well,... did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" 
  

Dear Microsoft Technical Support,
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded my software package from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.  In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no longer run, and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Sports, Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0  but   uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Kind regards,
Joe.
THE REPLY FROM MICROSOFT:
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a utilities & entertainment program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is a complete operating system, designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under alimony Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the   C:\I APOLOGISE  program  and avoid attempting to use  the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding.
To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install Secretary 36.24.36  (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system  will almost  certainly crash.
Thank you for using the program.
With regards,
Bill
P.S.  In no case try to install the free software (Mother-in-Law 1.0) that comes with WIFE 1.0 operating system. Installing the software would lead to not responding messages from Wife1.0 operating system.
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