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attendants My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks,in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch |
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CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drink with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem . We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents . We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Football teams had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! If YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! |
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Bill Gates Philosophy Bill Gates gave a speech at a High School about 11 things students did not and will not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality, and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Rule 1: - Life is not fair - Get used to it! Rule 2: - The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: - You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: - If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5: - Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. Rule 6: - If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule 7: - Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: - Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9: - Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time. Rule 10: - Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11: - Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. |
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Computers "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" - "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" - "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" - "They disappeared." "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?" - "Nothing." Nothing?" - "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" - "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" - "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" - "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" - "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" - "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" - "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. - "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" - "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." - "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." - "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" - "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" - "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" - "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. "Well, turn on the office light then." - "I can't." "No? Why not?" - "Because there's a power failure." "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" - Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." - "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." - "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too f%*%*%g stupid to own a computer!!!!!" |
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